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The Pros of Having Cancer

So after disclosing that I have Teh Cancerz, people kept saying I could pull “the cancer card”. So while visiting my dad the other day, we had the following conversation:

Me: Daaad. I have cancer. Will you buy me a new bike??
Dad: Sure. What do bikes cost these days? A few hundred dollars?
Me: Uhhh the bike I want is around twelve grand…
Me: But I have caaaaancer
Dad: No. Go buy me a car.

What a fail!! So I got to thinking, what are the PROS of having thyroid cancer?

  • Post Op: Weight Loss– Unknown. Weight lost after surgery will most likely come back
  • Post Op: Cool Scar– Nope – scar will be barely noticeable and will probably just look like another neck wrinkle
  • Thyroid: Weight Loss– Nope – as I will be taking meds to simulate current thyroid levels, which are OK, no weight loss should ensue
  • Thyroid: No Depression– Nope – same as above. Nothing should change there, either
  • Radioactive Iodine: Special Powers– I very likely will NOT have go to on RadioIodine, but even if I do, you don’t get any cool special powers! No spidey sense. No X-ray vision. Psh
  • RadioIodine: Cool Glow – Nope, no cool glow either
  • RadioIodine: Isolation– Yup, can’t be around humans or even my pets. Wait, this isn’t a pro. It’s a partial pro, if I don’t LIKE the humans, but my cats can’t sleep on my bed with me?? Although being radioactive DOES sound kinda cool…
  • Sympathetic pity– Nope, since it’s such a curable cancer, I am not getting much in the sympathy department
  • Dates – No, in fact, dating life has dramatically decreased from zero to negative zero. Also, I DID try to use the ‘wanna palpate my tumor’ line on a date recently and was met with an emphatic NO. So yeah. Not a good pick up line.
  • Thinner neck – OK, I think this is the first PRO I have come across. Ironically, I was wondering if my neck was getting fat earlier this year. Well, YAY. My neck ISN’T getting fat! It’s just a tumor! asdlfkj oh morbid humor, how I love thee!

Anyways, my friend suggested I come up with a list of “Pros of Beating Cancer”, which surely will have more.. pros…? So far there seems to be very little difference of not having cancer, having cancer, then beating cancer, except the loss of my thyroid gland and a lot of money.

Oh wait, I forgot another pro about having cancer – it’s a fun topic to make jokes about!

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Filed under Thyroid Cancer

I Have Cancer? Whaaat?

Biopsy? Or bad date with vampire??

Interesting timeline of events:
1. Go to ENT because my septum is messed up. ENT pokes at my neck and makes me go get an ultrasound for my thyroid

2. Ultrasound results in ‘go get a biopsy’

3. Bilateral biopsy occurs. It’s really cool to watch the ultrasound monitor and see needles shoved into my neck repeatedly. Seriously! Well, cool until the anesthesia wore off. Owwww Yoga hurt that week!

4. I get a call last Monday from my ENT. I apparently have “Papillary Thyroid Cancer”. Huh? Whut? I have cancer? Whut?

So I do a bunch of research; it’s the “good one to get”. /rolls eyes
But really – I’ll be fine. They will remove my entire thyroid and I just go on replacement meds. No chemo, most likely no radiation. I barely have to miss more than a week or two of work.

I go to an oncologist for a second opinion. Yup, thyroid has to go. I’m Stage 2 (out of 4, so I’m fine). Tumor (TUMOR!?) is 2.4cm. I just thought my neck was lumpy. Now I keep poking my /tumor/ . It’s kinda cool.

This week I meet with a surgeon that specializes in the thyroid removals (apparently a bad removal can mean damaged vocal cords… so I can sound like a woman that has smoked for fifty years… ooo and become a famous blues singer!) and an endoncrinologist.

Honestly, the hardest part was telling my family. Just saying the word ‘cancer’ really freaks people out. There goes my dating life for the next few months. I want a rebrand of the name, since it’s a cancer with like, a 99% success rate. “Oh I have a minor issue called PTC… It’s all good.”

I’m more worried about life without a thyroid. It’s kind of an important gland. ๐Ÿ˜› But it’ll be OK. Just gotta keep riding, walking, being active. Unlike this weekend, where I grubbed around the apartment in pajamas with my Kindle.

The wise ass part of me wants to tell my niece and nephew I got cancer from eating McDonald’s. The thought cracks me up. I have a bad feeling this is just the beginning of a long litany of cancer jokes. Cuz.. you know.. now I HAVE cancer, I can make fun of it, right? hahahahah!!!

Know anyone who has had their thyroid removed? I wish the scar was cooler. “A guy tried to slit my throat; all I got was this scar, all he got was A GRAVE!”


Filed under Thyroid Cancer